02.09.2011 - Drama-Mama - Bible In A Minute

Performed: Friday 2nd September 2011

Bible In A Minute (1st Person)

1-2-3
Bible in a minute

Earth made, Adam Eve
Cain kills Abel, has to leave
Boring Genealogy
Great flood, olive leaf

Tower of Babel, Abraham
Sodom and Gomorrah, and
Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses
Ten Commandments, Promised Land

Judges, David, Solomon
Sent away to Babylon
Job, then a bunch of Psalms
Proverbs and the Song of Songs

Major prophets, lion's den
Minor prophets, Bethlehem
Gold and Myrrh and Frankincense
Satan and Samaritan

Choose disciples, other cheek
Walk on water, thousands eat
Lazarus, fig tree
Last supper, Gethsemane

Blood Money, third denial
Pontius Pilate, public trial
Forty lashes, to the tree
Why have you forsaken me?

Third day, empty tomb
Reappears, five wounds
Acts of the Apostles next
Epistles and Apocalypse

WHOA!!!!

. . .

Bible In A Minute (2nd Person)

1-2-3
Bible in a minute

Boom boom chat boom (breath) boom chat
Boom boom chat boom (breath) boom chat
Boom boom boom boom
Boom boom chat boom (breath) boom chat

Boom boom chat boom (breath) boom chat
Boom boom chat boom (breath) boom chat
Boom boom chat boom (breath) boom chat
Boom boom chat Promised Land

Boom boom chat boom (breath) boom chat
Boom boom chat boom (breath) boom chat
Job... Ret
Proverbs… Error

Boom boom chat boom (breath) boom chat
Boom boom chat boom (breath) boom chat
Boom boom chat boom (breath) boom chat
Boom boom chat Samaritan

Boom boom chat boom (breath) boom chat
Boom boom chat boom (breath) boom chat
Boom boom chat boom (breath) boom chat
Boom boom chat Gethsemane

Boom boom chat boom (breath) boom chat
Pontius Pilate, public trial
Boom boom chat boom (breath) boom chat
Why have you forsaken me?

Boom boom chat boom (breath) boom chat
Boom boom chat boom (breath) boom chat
Boom boom chat boom (breath) boom chat
Boom boom chat boom (breath) boom chat

WHOA!!!!

Children's Bible Answers

If you know the Bible - even a little - you'll find this hilarious!

It comes from elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old & New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by the children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e. incorrect spelling has been left in.)

• In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on in pears.
• Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
• The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
• Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
• Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
• Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
• The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
• The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
• Moses died before he ever reaches Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
• The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
• Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
• When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
• When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, the found Jesus in the manager.
• Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
• St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
• Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
• It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
• The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
• The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
• One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
• St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
• Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Adam’s Bargain

One day Adam was feeling lonely. So he went looking for God.

"God I'm lonely." Adam said to God.

"Adam, I knew you would feel this way. So I'll make woman for you." God answered.

"Excuse me God, but what's woman?"

"Adam, woman is someone who will take care of you. She will get food for you, bear your children, will love you at all times, not question your judgement, and when you discover clothes, she'll wash and mend them for you, keep your house clean, not argue with you, and give you companionship."

"Sounds good," said Adam. "How much will she cost?"

God thought for a while and said, "Two arms and a leg."

Adam said, "Hmmmm, that's expensive! What can I get for a rib?"