Atheist In The Woods

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the accident of evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look, just in time to see a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw the bear closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him.

At that instant, he cried out, "Oh my God!"

Just then, time stopped... The bear froze; the forest was silent; even the river stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky, saying, "You deny My existence all of these years; teach others I don't exist; even credit My creation to a cosmic accident, and now do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said, "It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years. But could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

As the light went out, the river ran, the sounds of the forest continued, and the bear put his paw down. The man breathed a sigh of relief. Then the bear brought both paws together, bowed his head and said: "Lord, I thank you for this food, which I am about to receive."

Adam’s Bargain

One day Adam was feeling lonely. So he went looking for God.

"God I'm lonely." Adam said to God.

"Adam, I knew you would feel this way. So I'll make woman for you." God answered.

"Excuse me God, but what's woman?"

"Adam, woman is someone who will take care of you. She will get food for you, bear your children, will love you at all times, not question your judgement, and when you discover clothes, she'll wash and mend them for you, keep your house clean, not argue with you, and give you companionship."

"Sounds good," said Adam. "How much will she cost?"

God thought for a while and said, "Two arms and a leg."

Adam said, "Hmmmm, that's expensive! What can I get for a rib?"