Church Billboards

• "Big Bang theory? You've got to be kidding." - God
• "C'mon over and bring the kids." - God
• "Do you have any idea where you're going?" - God
• "Don't make me come down there." - God
• "Follow me." - God
• "Have you read my #1 best seller?  There's going to be a test." - God
• "I love you and you and you and you and…" - God
• "Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer." - God
• "Let's meet at my house Sunday, before the game." - God
• "Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage." - God
• "My way is the highway." - God
• "Need direction?" - God
• "Tell the kids I love them." - God
• "That "Love They Neighbor" thing... I meant it." - God
• "We need to talk." - God
• "What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?" - God
• "Will the road you're on get you to my place?" - God
• "You think it's hot here?" - God
• Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em. He'll clean 'em.
• Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
• Come work for the Lord.  The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low.  But the retirement benefits are out of this world.
• Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
• Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
• Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
• God Answers Knee-Mail.
• God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
• God grades on the cross, not the curve.
• God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
• God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
• He who angers you, controls you!
• If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!
• If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.
• Memberships available free to everyone under the Son.
• Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.
• The Bible is Not Antique, Nor is it Modern, it is Eternal.
• The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
• The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
• Turn Life's Cares into Prayers.
• Want to make God laugh?  Tell him your future plans.
• We don't change the message, the message changes us.
• When you pray, don't give God instructions, just report for duty!

Light Bulb

How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.

How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Change???

How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.

How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They always use candles.

How many worship leaders who use guitars does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

How many "members of an established Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old" does it take to change a light bulb?
One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine.

A Naive Pastor

A man who was sick wanted so badly to go to church the next day, so he took a heavy dosage of Benadryl. The next morning he wouldn't wake up!

So his wife went to church without him.

When the Pastor asked her where her husband was she said "he went to Bedtime Baptist Church with Pastor Pillow and Sister Sheets."

The Pastor looked at her with kind of a weird expression and said "I have never heard of that church, what part of town is it at?"