Children's Bible Answers

If you know the Bible - even a little - you'll find this hilarious!

It comes from elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old & New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by the children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e. incorrect spelling has been left in.)

• In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on in pears.
• Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
• The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
• Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
• Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
• Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
• The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
• The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
• Moses died before he ever reaches Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
• The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
• Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
• When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
• When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, the found Jesus in the manager.
• Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
• St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
• Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
• It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
• The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
• The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
• One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
• St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
• Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.